I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
