Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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