I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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