I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
