help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
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