I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
