I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
