I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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