Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
