I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
