Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
