I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
