He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
