i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
i've created a new STD.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
