Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
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Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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