My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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