I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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