If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
