My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
