Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
