One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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