As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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