You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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