I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
your like the ambassador to my penis.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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