please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
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