I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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