I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he was CRYING into my vagina
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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