get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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