I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
