I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
