I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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