i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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