I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my sisters under your porch take her home
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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