I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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