Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
