Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
