I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
