Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
