All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
