I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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