I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
