ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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