Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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