got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
