I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
