I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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