I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I enjoy the company of your penis
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
