Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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