Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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