I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
