Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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