her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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