Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
