Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
