Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
