Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
