I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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