I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
