The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.