Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i already hear my dad disowning me
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
