just come out here and I will go home with you...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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