Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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